I’m finally finished my statistics project. Handed it in today before our midterm. GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE. You know, I never thought it was funny when people were like, LOL I’M GONNA SAY I’M 5 YEARS OLD IN THIS SURVEY. But I also never had a direct problem with it.
Now that I’ve had to go through data and weed out those stupid people who give answers like, I am 8 feet tall, I dislike them very much. Like, really. You think that the class IQ is 70? You think that the majority of us are mentally retarded? Cool. Awesome. Fuck off.
I also don’t believe that you weigh 11lbs, asshole.
In any case, that shit is over and done with. Unfortunately, I must write a 10 – 12 page essay before Thursday. I also have a test that day. So, we’ll see how that goes.
Dear Slipknot,
I want to thank you for expressing, through music, the emotions that I couldn’t. I was 15 when I first heard your song Scream, and it was because I asked my friend to give me some sort of hard metal.
I wasn’t impressed with the lyrics of course, but I wanted to listen to something that sounded like I felt. I had so much pent up anger and frustration, so much I had to hide from my loved ones, that I needed some sort of outlet.
Putting in a pair of ear buds and turning up the volume to maximum, laying on my bed or with my head on my desk, I would listen to you guys loudly express the pit of anger I felt inside my chest.
I fell in love with the blunt sound that was Slipknot. I heard Vermillion Pt.2 and listened to it on repeat for a week, allowing them to slowly sing my own feelings into my ear canal. Listening to it now, it fills me with so much nostalgia it’s sickening.
She seems dressed in all of me,
stretched across my shame.
All the torment and the pain,
leaked through and covered me.
Thank you for coming out with Bitchslap, because it mirrored the confusion I felt and put it in a song that felt unique. It made it into a positive experience, really. I was able to connect with something so obscure and I liked that.
Man, you like a school in the summer. Noooo class.
Nowadays, I listen to you guys fondly. I listen to you to get pumped up, when I’m angry, when I just feel frustrated because my homework is getting the best of me. I listen to you because I love the band. Your music fits nice and snug into the mix of extreme emotions I feel. Sometimes on a daily basis, if you can believe it.
I tried, you lied to me for so long. Everywhere I go, there’s a sense of it. Freak on my antics and give me a choice, doesn’t matter if I give a shit, it’s shit that you gave me.
Eyeless is definitely one of my favorite songs along with The Nameless and I Am Hated. Oh, and by the way, thanks for giving me the perfect name for my blog.
I haven’t even started working yet and I’m frustrated. I took a look at part of the good copy I wrote last night for my statistics assignment and saw things I should rephrase. I’m so tired. I’m going to go crazy, if I haven’t already.
The other night I was crying in my dream. Eventually I curled up in Steven’s arm’s and said, “why? Why? It hurts…” and I put my hands over my eyes. It went dark and that’s when I woke up. I gasped and started to cry for real. Although, who says crying in your dreams is any less real than crying physical tears?
Your subconscious is crying, the poor thing.
Invisible
What do people never compliment me on… many things, really. My elbows, the creases on my fingers, the unevenness of my middle fingernail, my disgust for feet, my ankles, the way my face looks when I zone out, my sleeping habits, and other such nonsense.
What do people never seem to compliment me on, that I think they should or that most other people receive compliments for? Hm…
My smile. I feel like my smile isn’t so pretty because I have awkward teeth. I think if it were pointed out as a nice thing more often, I wouldn’t feel so self-conscious about it. But since that is not the case, I don’t feel like it’s anything special. Not that I’m completely torn up about it. It would just be nice, cha know?
Anyway, here’s a song that I’ve been listening to a lot.
First of all, I am really angry that I have to teach myself how to use this stupid statistics program. The TAs were completely useless in the tutorial and responded with, “well I’m not really sure… we’ll let you know…” a lot of the time.
I’m already so slow when it comes to mathematics and now I have this stupid program to worry about. If I don’t get it, I can’t do more than half of my assignment due after reading week. I don’t pay the school thousands of dollars to teach myself.
On top of that, I have a 10-12 page philosophy essay to write. Basically, I’m just letting you know I’m in a bad mood. It’s frustrating when you have been working all day, yet you’ve gotten nowhere. Same goes for a poem I’m writing. >_>
I had a crazy dream about a spirit that represented God and another that represented the Devil. In the middle of a field, there were men and women who were groveling on their knees. They were yelling out pleas of forgiveness to some sort of being (the Devil but they used a different name).
They were denouncing their faith to God; some were laughing. The God spirit took the form of a bear (not a concrete bear – it was a ghostly thing) and was telling the Devil about the human’s betrayal.
The humans continued moaning cries towards the Devil and he answered them with a spew of pus that erupted from the ground. It sprayed over them and they were horrified. The beast revealed himself and the humans wore expressions of terror.
Mirror mirror, on the wall…
I honestly have no idea what the one thing most people compliment me on is. Many girls Steven knows from work have all said, “Steven she’s so very pretty!” but nothing specific is really pointed out.
I get a lot of compliments on my clothing. A lot of the time, I wear nice stockings or interesting jewelry which piques people’s interest.
Steven is always grabbing and smacking my ass, as he’s a bum man and I often wear things that are form fitting to show it off. Leggings are both great looking and comfortable as hell. The same is true for yoga pants.
But I’m not sure what the average compliment I receive is. People frequently point out that I’m very petite. I suppose it’s usually a compliment. So I’ll go ahead and say that one. My small waist and frame seem to be liked by many.
First off, I had a nice Valentines Day. I was proud of myself, because I made a really awesome roast beef dinner with yorkshire pudding. Steven loved it. I was so afraid I was going to mess it up, but everything turned out very nicely.
For brunch I made him pancakes with bacon hearts, because I’m a badass. I also bought him the Oldboy collector’s tin. It’s one of his favorite movies of all time and if you haven’t seen it yet, I strongly urge you to do so. It is amazing.
I’m not really into making Valentines Day a huge deal. It’s basically just an excuse to have him all to myself for the day, haha. Since my aunt, uncle and cousins were away we had the whole house to ourselves. We watched As Good As It Gets, an awesome Jack Nicholson film.
Also, many people seem to really like my White Queen look. I got a lot of comments on one photo, even from people I don’t talk to often. It felt nice, I was quite happy. Anyway…
Disturbed and Dangerous
I wish I had never known my mom’s ex-boyfriend. Because that would mean my mom would never have met him, leading to her relationship with him. She wouldn’t have had to go through the awful things he did to her. I wouldn’t have had to watch her cry.
She wouldn’t have lost her job, she wouldn’t be afraid to leave the house, she wouldn’t be struggling with her identity, and she definitely would have been in a much better situation than she is now.
She wouldn’t have to be scared to go to court and be made to look like an awful person who was taking advantage of an older man (what a fucking joke). He is one of the most pathetic, disgusting, and vile creatures to walk this earth.
I loathe him. It disgusts me when I think of how I’ve hugged him and spoken to him in a kind manner.
If she had never met him, things wouldn’t be as hard as they are. The last night I spent with my mom would have been happier. The thought of him makes me cringe and he really shows that there is evil in this world. I wish with all of my heart that he had never come into our lives.
So, I finally got to see the photos from the Alice in Wonderland shoot I did. I was the white queen. The photos are nicely done, Neda did a fantastic job. However, I remain fairly expressionless in them and need to work on that.
A few people on model mayhem keep asking about doing a shoot with me, so it’s good that I finally get to see the outcome of the first one I’ve ever done.
It’s hard, knowing which expressions will work. I’m so nervous, because I don’t want to end up looking stupid. I’m not comfortable enough with myself yet.
It’s very odd, how my self-esteem works. When I put on an outfit and do up my makeup, I feel very pretty. I look in the mirror and I see an attractive person. However, when I go out somewhere (like school), the feeling of being pretty declines.
But, I still see the same pretty person I did before. I simply believe that others aren’t seeing what I see.
I feel pretty in my house, where I feel most comfortable and away from judgement. When I step outside into the world where there are countless other females, I start to feel a little less comfortable. I have entered a place where judgement is inevitable and I start to join those judges, comparing myself to all the pretty girls around me.
In comparison to finer things, I am an empty vase.
However, I do somehow feel unique among the people around me. Sometimes with certain things I wear, like the green suspenders and pink fishnet top I wore today.
Sometimes with my attitude and the certain way I come off to others. Other times I feel like I blend in, which does bother me to some degree. We can’t always be unique though, I mean, we’re all affected by our environment. No matter how hard you try, you’re going to end up adopting behaviours and habits from those around you.
The subconscious is a fickle thing.
The makeup is so nice, I wish I could do my eyeliner like that again. It’s a lot harder than it seems, unfortunately.
It’s odd seeing my face without my vertical labret. It has become a part of me now and if I take it out, my face looks weird. I can’t see myself ever taking it out, honestly, but I guess that day will have to come eventually.
I WANT NEW PIERCINGS. WHY DEY COST MONIES? THIS MAKES ME SAD. T-T
I would really like to get venom tongue piercings, I’ve become so bored with my singular one. I definitely want a whole lot of ear ones, but I must get rid of these troublesome bumps that my industrial bar left on my ear.
Soon though, my friend Laura will be fixing my missing lobe piercings that closed up a while ago and adding some plain cartilage ones. Which I also had, but they closed up. I have such bad luck with them! I miss my rook so much.
Anywho, I decided to write about other things because the truth questions are becoming somewhat depressing. I also just wanted to share some of the Alice in Wonderland photos!
Ugh, I don’t want to do this one. I’m really bad at letting people go, so when it finally does happen, the relationship is basically beyond repair and there exists a sort of resentment.
It took me a long time to learn that sometimes, it’s best to let people go. Either for your happiness or theirs, or both. Actually let me rephrase that, it took me a long time to realize how to let go when it’s for the best. It’s hard for me to be cold, hard to stay mad, and hard to accept the loss.
& he turned to oil, in a pool of clear water.
He was my first guy bestfriend and we met in grade 10. He was, basically, the guy version of myself when it came to humour and small quirks. We could talk for hours and never get bored. If I was sad, he would make me cake or draw me a picture. Make silly faces at me on webcam or write me a funny email.
So my foot is totally asleep right now and Im listening to Yurameki :D And I also made a pancake and it was a really big fail V.V you should have seen it.and you missy!! you owe me a pancake and you know you do!!!! and you also know that my pancakes compleatly rape your pacakes ass!!, like mine just walks right up to your pancake, takes out it fuckin flowery cock and rams it right into your pancakes butt hole!!! I really like to use exclamation marks! they make everything seem like im excited when I say things.
I really dont know what colors to use for this becuase i am color blind :(, this email shit reminds me of grade 10(EXCLAMATION)(EXCLAMATION)(EXCLAMATION)(EXCLAMATION)(EXCLAMATION)(EXCLAMATION)
oH hOw TiMe HaS pAsSeD
But eventually, things got complicated and he kept important secrets from me. He lied and kept even more important secrets. He dated my lady bestfriend, so obviously he and I had our fights, due to his crappy boyfriend ways.
Then things got even more complicated and we drifted, but I held on to the small things that I could. And it’s terrible to think that now I’m seen as a bad friend for… for what? I’m not even sure. Apparently we were never even real friends, despite all the effort I went through to hold on. I probably shouldn’t even be wasting my time on this post.
But he doesn’t see how much I held on and how much I stood up for him, because I never told him. Why would I tell a friend how much shit I’m going through on his behalf? So he’ll never really see how good of a friend I was and that’s fine. Saves him the trouble, I suppose.
He mistakes caring for judgement and assumes the worst. He’s the person I can’t forgive and now we no longer talk because I caught him talking to the one person I wanted out of my life for good. When he found out we were there, it didn’t even phase him.
Seeing him interact with my ex like they were the best of friends was the perfect display of how disloyal and untrustworthy he has been to me. It was the thing that finally turned my anger into action.
This post hardly captures all of the emotion that was put into that friendship, but I’m not about to sit here and explain the entire 6 year story. He betrayed me and he feels no guilt. He’s incredibly selfish and spineless. That’s all there is to say, really.
I didn’t want to let go of the past, but I realize that the person I knew in the beginning doesn’t even exist anymore. So letting this shell of a person go was pretty damn easy, to be honest. I can only hope that he finds himself again.
So, I should really be getting to bed, because I am extremely tired today. I’m not really sure why, that’s just the way my body has decided to function today. In any case, I’m here, writing instead.
First, I bought tickets to see Dir en grey April 1st, but they cancelled. This makes me very sad, but I really hope Kyo gets better. I was thinking I would get a refund, because I completely forgot another band was playing with them. But now I realize I will now be going to see Asking Alexandria, which will be fun.
Still, I’ll be there thinking Dir en grey was going to play tonight. T-T </3
Anyway, I also meant to mention the protest in Toronto against Dalton Mcguinty and his LIES. He promised lowered tuition rates and instead gave some people money. Which will only help me this semester. After that, I’m no longer eligible.
It’s a shitty situation, but I was honestly happy to go (as odd as that may be), because I felt like I was part of something important. My dad told me how proud he was of me, for sticking up for a cause. It was nice to hear!
I’m glad Vanessa asked me to go with her, I wouldn’t have done it myself. We had chants and signs and drums!
We were out there for about 5 hours. We were so hungry, tired, and cold afterwards. But we had sushi with awesome people later in the day, so it’s all good.
I had other things to talk about, now I can’t remember. I hate when that happens. Oh, my first therapy appointment is on Friday. I’m really nervous.
Tomorrow I’m going to see my brother at his place. He lives pretty close to my school. I don’t see him often, mostly because I don’t have much time and I still feel awkward around him. It’s odd, having siblings I barely know.
It’s really frustrating knowing that I’m going to lay down and have thoughts pour into my mind like it ain’t a thang, but I can’t think of any to write. Should I even post this? Yes, yes I will. Even if it’s just to share this video:
If you like that, listen to this. He isn’t as good of a drum player as the dude above, but the song is awesome and he still plays it well. “Hey yo, I’m eating fun dip right now, not given’ a fuuuuuck.“
If you happen to think he is a better drum player, it’s probably just ’cause you’re mesmerized by all of his drumstick spins and fancy camera work. haha!
I’m not a Skrillex fan by the way, those are the only two songs that I like. I’m not big on the electronic music. I’m with my boyfriend on this one, if I’m listening to electronic music there better be a dirty drop. Either that or I’m dancing.
update
I have finally put up the friend pages, because they’re taking me FOREVER. I still have people to add though. Keep in mind, these are the people I am most likely to talk about (which is rare but sometime I do). I have other fantastic people in my life and they are just as lovely.
This one obviously belongs to my one and only ex-boyfriend. I know that it’s pretty stereotypical for a girl to attribute ruined lives and hurt feelings to their ex-relationships. I know what readers are expecting out of this, but I can assure you that this is no ordinary ex-boyfriend.
I don’t like the idea of dedicating a whole blog post to him, but I suppose there isn’t really any way around it. Also, this makes my previous post a lot more clear. Now you can see why I said Steven was saving me.
Dissociative
He and I dated for a very long 2 years. Well, it was a month shy of 2 years when I was finally able to break up with him. I had been wanting to leave for about 6 months but it’s difficult to do when the other person refuses.
By “refuses” I mean sobbing and not letting me go until I say everything is okay and threatening to kill himself if I leave him. Looking back I should have just left, because I know now that he wouldn’t have actually gone through with it. But considering he was my first boyfriend and he had many other crazy characteristics, I didn’t think I could risk having something like that hanging over my head.
Even if it really wouldn’t have been my fault.
What are these other crazy characteristics, you ask? Malingering would be a big one. In my (educated) opinion, the only real mental disorders he has is a fictitious disorder. For one thing, his apparent multiple personalities could come and go whenever he pretty well pleased. The bad ones did awful things to me and when I confronted him about it, he would act confused.
There’s a possible risk of pathological lying, but his lies were more beneficial to him than self-harming. But no label is completely definitive; there are some exceptions.
I’m not going to disclose the more awful, private things here. Just trust me when I say they affected me for a very long time and contributed to a lot of problems I currently have. I am doing a lot better though, might I add.
For a while, I wondered if I was asking for it. I did some odd things myself, in order to cope. I was ashamed and didn’t tell anyone the extent of what was going on. He made me doubt myself and I hated him for it.
He spent a week or so in a youth program for the mentally ill, which made things worse, considering it was for guys and girls. He was hopped up on drugs (although he could have been exaggerating) and decided to hit on my friend, who I brought for comfort when I went to see him, by running his hand up her dress.
He became controlling and was convinced that my bestfriend was trying to steal me away from him. He didn’t want me seeing any of my friends. He had tantrums if things didn’t go his way. Two specific tantrums come to mind:
At school: My ex asked if I would go to his house after school one day and, forgetting that I had already told my friend I was going to her house, said sure. When we were in class my friend reminded me I was to go to her house and my ex freaked out, flipped desks, punched lockers, screamed “WHY?” in my face, and followed me into the girls bathroom where he cornered me and continued to yell, “WHY RAYVEN? WHY?” while sobbing.
After-Party: My ex accompanied me to our friend’s party one night and was well aware that in the morning, I was to leave with one of my other friends to go Christmas tree cutting with her. When it came time for me to leave, he blocked the door. I finally made it out and he chased after me wearing socks, in the snow, crying and asking me not to leave.
When we were 16, he proposed to me at school. That should have been a major warning sign.
After we broke up, the world decided to take a big shit on me and we ended up moving in with his family. Both our families were financially stuck and determined to find a new place. I can’t stress enough how desperate I was to move. The condition my apartment was in made me want to cry every time I had to go there.
He was always trying to get back together with me and he spoke about me to anyone and everyone. Including my close friends. When I told him to stop talking about me, he denied that he ever did, despite the fact that my friends would constantly ask me about things he was saying. He even told my friend that he enjoyed making me angry, because it meant I was paying attention to him.
He told people that he alone, was supporting his family and my family, which was completely ridiculous. His family was taking advantage of ours and they ended up breaking the lease, leaving my parents with bills they couldn’t pay.
I told him I wanted to ignore his presence in the house and asked him not to communicate with me. Of course, he refused to do as I asked and continued to buy me things and try to talk to me. When my boyfriend was away on a cruise, I woke up to find him spooning me, with his hand between my legs. I woke up because I felt my pants being lowered. When I looked at him, all I got was a blank stare and, “what?” I locked myself in the bathroom.
It was all the more frustrating when I would gain the courage to let our mothers know what was going on and the answer I received was, “well Rayven he’s an adult now and I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do as a parent.” I never felt so ignored in my life.
To this day, I haven’t told my parents the extent of what he’s done. My parents highly dislike him for their own reasons and simply because I never hide my negative feelings towards him.
He made my life hell. I have so much pent up anger and frustration because of that whole ordeal. I experienced things I would never wish on anyone else and my self-esteem was severely damaged.
As for the present, I haven’t spoken to him since he moved out. I think it’s been about 3 years. He spreads lies about me and accuses me of being the controlling one. I’m also pretty damn sure he does meth now. He sells it, at the very least, and has dedicated his life to raving.
I don’t waste my time thinking about him, unless he somehow comes up in conversation. I try to cut that down as much as possible though. He knows what he’s done and the lies he’s told. He has to deal with it, and he’ll also have to deal with never being forgiven.
[ lyrics ] I threw away, even my slightest hope, deep down. And I go mad again tonight – and again tonight I go mad.
First, I would like to say my sister popped into my mind when I saw the topic for this day. She and I have gone through quite a lot together and I’ve probably become a whole lot stronger by having her in my life to take care of. She gave me a reason to be strong when I felt my lowest. Now that she and I are older, we take turns being the protective one.
But I’ve chosen to dedicate this day to Steven. The near 4 years that we’ve been together have give me some of the most important experiences and trials of my life thus far. I know that him being a part of my life will always give me a sense of importance in this world.
Beautiful Hurricane
In my opinion, one of the most experiential things you can go through is a serious, long-term relationship. Or even just truly loving someone, whether or not you actually pursue a relationship with them. Love means compromise and learning to adapt to a lifestyle that not only fits yourself, but another complex human being as well. It’s not an easy thing to accomplish.
Steven and I were far from the “perfect couple” in the beginning, but the love was always there and it only ever grew. At first glance his obvious confidence and full lips grabbed my attention like no other had before him.
To my surprise he noticed me and to my excitement he actually walked over to my desk in math class and spoke to me. He immediately drew me in with his smile and I felt oddly important in thinking he took enough interest in who I was to seek out a conversation with me. I was drawing a picture and was very happy to be told he loved it.
At this point, he had already given me more than he knew. I was going through a really rough time then and was feeling far from noticeable. Steven taking a somewhat random interest in me provided a much needed emotional boost. I say somewhat random because I know it was my booty that initially drew him in, haaa.
We were friends for quite some time before we grew into anything more. In that time he was someone I was completely comfortable opening up to, which was hard for me to be with anyone at that time (or any time in my life really). He was someone who took genuine interest in my opinions and the small amount of personal problems I was willing to admit to.
Eventually, our friendship became a lot more emotional and when we saw each other, our time was spent simply sitting in a chair together and talking.
I sat in his lap, head on his chest, and we spoke about anything and everything. It comforted me to feel the vibration of his voice against my cheek. And still, he didn’t know how much he was saving me.
After he finally asked me out and we officially started dating, he has never stopped giving me reasons to keep going. Even through the hard times, he has helped reinforce my own morals and beliefs. He has made me a stronger, more resilient person.
He has opened my eyes to things I never would have noticed otherwise. The small details in music, the different sounds of a drum set, vast political beliefs, a whole new perspective of the world. He has always encouraged me to do the things I’m too afraid to try. He always pushes me to go out and have fun when I’m going through a bad phase mentally, forcing me out of bad habits and stopping the endless cycle of self-inflicted unhappiness.
He is always trying to get me out of my comfort zone, helping me be the person I know I can be. Like at the birthday party he threw for me, he made me the center of attention and got me to speak in front of all our friends. I was so uncomfortable but that little step he forced me to take gave me a glimpse of my full potential.
He gives me a reason to live by showing me more than I could ever see on my own. He took me out of Canada for the first time, which was an experience I will never forget. It made me eager to succeed, so I can afford to do more. He has expanded my knowledge and never ceases to amaze me in even the smallest of ways.
He gives me a reason to live by being him. I know he is the one I can always count on if I need help. He makes me feel like I’m not alone in my struggle to live. He will always be one of the greatest forms of motivation I can ask for; through the good and the bad.
I didn’t have to think hard about this one to come up with an answer. I knew exactly what I was going to talk about 30 seconds after seeing the topic of day 6.
First, I will recount a very random story that happened at school the other day. My friend Vanessa and I were sitting in Stats class about an hour and a half in, trying to pay attention. When suddenly, a guy comes in and starts shouting, “The French are coming! The French are coming!” over and over. He ran up the stairs of the lecture hall and a guy who was sitting at a desk to the side said, “DEAR GOD!” and ran out the back door with the other dude.
The professor and the entire class burst out laughing. After 5 minutes, when everything was settled and the professor was teaching again, a guy walked in late and EVERYONE went quiet and stared so hard at him that he just looked around and walked right back out.
It was such a shocking, random event.
Congratulations! It’s a…
Ever since I was little, I knew I wanted to be a mommy. I wanted to raise at least 2 children (preferably 3) and I knew deep in my core that I would be a fantastic mother. I still know that. If I ever do anything right in my life and anything worth doing, it will be raising my children.
It would break my heart if one day I found out I was infertile. I would be horrified. In fact I would be almost as sad if my husband were infertile, simply because I would hate the idea of never being able to create life naturally, together.
I can’t imagine the pain women and couples go through when they struggle with infertility. My dreams would be crushed. I know I would get over it eventually and find other ways. I’m definitely not opposed to adopting and have though about doing it along with having my own.
But having to deal with never creating life with the person I love would be an absolute nightmare.
My husband and I would probably grow somewhat distance, due to shock and unhappiness. I know I would slip into a long and bad depression, which would put even more strain on our relationship.
I would be mourning the loss of the amazing children my husband and I could have created. I would feel broken. And that is why I hope I never have to go through infertility. It is one of my biggest fears.
- x -- x -- x -- x -- x -
