[4/30] Days of Truth

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To be completely honest, I’ve forgiven the majority of people who have hurt me in my life. There is only one person who I will never forgive, and that is because he forgave himself way too quickly. Not to mention he blames me for everything and made me out to be a horrible person.

He did unspeakable things and blamed it on fake illnesses. He is a sad excuse for a human being.

I want to make something clear though. Just because someone has been forgiven, does not mean that they are welcome back into your life. It simply means that the injustices they have done unto you are no longer seen as influential or important. Any ill feelings set in motion by that person’s actions are no longer present and you can move on.

Forgiveness isn’t a magical entity that wipes away all the bad. That’s the way I perceive it, anyway.

A Changed Man

I have to forgive a good friend of mine for changing. I can’t expect people to stay the exact same, but this change in particular is something I can’t accept. Not only because I feel it has affected him in a negative way, but because he is now in a relationship with my sister and therefore a significant part of her life.

She needs someone who is going to push her to do right by herself. She needs a good, stable influence. I can’t expect him to take on all of her troubles, but he’s willing to be in her life and therefore taking on the responsibility regardless. If you love someone, you help them.

I don’t want to see them fall down into a pit they can’t climb out of.

He used to have so much confidence and not give a shiiiit if someone didn’t like him. But now I feel he drowns himself in substances and doesn’t have enough confidence to realize he could be so much more.

He speaks to people I dislike, even though he knows I hate it. I used to be able to talk to him for hours on end, about the most useless shit. But now it’s hard to find common ground, because he only seems to be interested in two things.

I have to forgive him for taking his own path, but I just can’t seem to let it go. Every once in a while, my anger about it flares up and it bothers me so much.

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Oh, something I forgot to mention. I joined Model Mayhem as a way to hopefully seek out some photographers who are willing to photograph me. I would like to do something that is out of my comfort zone and this definitely fits the bill.

Hopefully by making myself more comfortable in front of a stranger with a camera I’ll be more comfortable with myself in general. Basically, I’m looking for a confidence boost.

I asked my friend Vanessa to come and do some shoots with me for various reasons, including:

1. I know she has trouble with low confidence as well, so I thought we could try and gain some with each other.
2. She is someone I’m very comfortable around.
3. I don’t want to travel to random places in Toronto alone.
4. It’s always awesome having a friend come along with you.
5. We’ll get some boss photos together, which is something we seem to fail at doing.
6. She’s done a bit of modelling before.
7. I know she’s always willing to help me with things like this.
8. She’s has the same sort of social awkwardness and is very shy like I am.

She and I are quite excited to pursue this. I hope to acquire some pretty photos, confidence, and a new perspective on certain things.