[6/30] Days of Truth

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I didn’t have to think hard about this one to come up with an answer. I knew exactly what I was going to talk about 30 seconds after seeing the topic of day 6.

First, I will recount a very random story that happened at school the other day. My friend Vanessa and I were sitting in Stats class about an hour and a half in, trying to pay attention. When suddenly, a guy comes in and starts shouting, “The French are coming! The French are coming!” over and over. He ran up the stairs of the lecture hall and a guy who was sitting at a desk to the side said, “DEAR GOD!” and ran out the back door with the other dude.

The professor and the entire class burst out laughing. After 5 minutes, when everything was settled and the professor was teaching again, a guy walked in late and EVERYONE went quiet and stared so hard at him that he just looked around and walked right back out.

It was such a shocking, random event.

Congratulations! It’s a…

Ever since I was little, I knew I wanted to be a mommy. I wanted to raise at least 2 children (preferably 3) and I knew deep in my core that I would be a fantastic mother. I still know that. If I ever do anything right in my life and anything worth doing, it will be raising my children.

It would break my heart if one day I found out I was infertile. I would be horrified. In fact I would be almost as sad if my husband were infertile, simply because I would hate the idea of never being able to create life naturally, together.

I can’t imagine the pain women and couples go through when they struggle with infertility. My dreams would be crushed. I know I would get over it eventually and find other ways. I’m definitely not opposed to adopting and have though about doing it along with having my own.

But having to deal with never creating life with the person I love would be an absolute nightmare.

My husband and I would probably grow somewhat distance, due to shock and unhappiness. I know I would slip into a long and bad depression, which would put even more strain on our relationship.

I would be mourning the loss of the amazing children my husband and I could have created. I would feel broken. And that is why I hope I never have to go through infertility. It is one of my biggest fears.

A break from the truth.

No, that doesn’t mean I’m about to spew a bunch of lies at you. I’ll be just as truthful in this post, as I am in all the others. Which is pretty damn truthful. Why would I lie in my personal blog? That would be silly!

I’m just going to take a small break from the truth challenge, because I have things I want to talk about! Exciting, right?!

Yes, today was a very emotionally intense day, to say the least. It went by in a flash, I’m still wondering how I got to this position (in my bed and under the covers) so quickly.

I forced myself up early (10:15am) and got ready, while steadily becoming more and more nervous at the idea of speaking to a stranger about my academic difficulties and personal problems.

It is here that I will note that this will contain valuable information to anyone that attends York University and is suffering from a mental illness. That is not to say that this post is only of interest to her them, just that it is particularly useful to their everyday life.

In any case! Let’s go back to morning time, where I’m getting ready to face my day. A close friend knew about my appointment and was kind enough to send me a text, telling me good luck and not to be nervous, because they’re there to help me. I was thankful for this and when I got on the bus to school, decided to take advantage of her kind words and text her about how I was growing increasingly anxious as the bus got close to the school. I kept calm until the Bennett Center for Student Services was right in front of me, where I realized how tall and menacing it really was.

I forced the oatmeal and ramen back down into my stomach where it belonged, held in my tears, and marched forward despite my body’s screaming attempts to turn around and:

If you know who Phil Ken Sebben is, you should be hearing that in his voice. If you do not, click [here] and skip to 1:48 to hear it. You should also just watch the video, because he’s a (ha ha!) boss. His voice is done by Stephen Colbert.

Anyway, I went to the Mental Health Disability office and announced that I had an appointment with someone. I had to fill something out, sign a form, and after two minutes of waiting he was greeting me with a smile and conversation. You know, the type of conversation that’s like, “how was your weekend? what about your holidays?” but it was hard to focus when I knew the conversation would soon take an odd turn, when we were his office.

Click the stamp and check out the artist’s comments:
it contains helpful information about Social Anxiety Disorder.

Of course as soon as we sat down my palms were clammy, I could feel my body buzz, and my heart started to race. He asked how I was feeling and, already knowing about my social anxiety from my doctor’s forms, asked about it.

You know those moments, where it’s easy to just keep everything in, until that one person asks, “you okay?” and then you just can’t anymore? Well that happened. I stuttered with my words and THEN CAME THOSE DAMN TEARS.

I felt silly and exposed. He told me there was tissue behind me and calmly stated that it seemed my emotions were right on the surface. I nodded and said, “this is the type of thing I try to avoid.” He then stated that anxiety disorders, especially social, were all about avoidance. Something I knew all too well. I got myself to calm down, he made light conversation again, and started to explain what he could do to help me.

He was very easy to talk to and I became comfortable with him very quickly. I was shocked at how much help I really was about to get. Going into that room, I had no idea what to expect from the program. I just knew I needed help and couldn’t let my emotions get in the way of what I wanted anymore.

At the end, he said there are people who aren’t even able to cope, so they lock themselves inside. I, however, have all this raw emotion just chillin’ on the surface, while dealing with school, and balancing all these other things. I had the strength to go there, wanting to make sure my anxiety and depression didn’t control me anymore. And he said, “you’re tough as hell.”

He also knew I was pursuing a career in psychology, so he gave me contact information of students who are part of the program and trying to complete their PhD. What’s great is they’re also clients going through some of the same things I am. So not only can I go to them for advice, but I can ask them anything I want about pursuing graduate school and what it’s like.

I could never make these connections myself.

It was a big moment. After that appointment I no longer felt held down and incapable of accomplishing anything. The doors just fell open for me. I saw potential in myself. I was still scared, but knew I’d have a great support system at school.

I really wanted to share this moment because it shows how fantastic and hopeful you can feel about yourself and your life if you break out of your shell and do what you know is right for you. Even if you know it’s scary and is going to make you uncomfortable. Believe me, if I can do it, so can you. It took me an entire year and a bit to actually get into that office and I regret not doing it sooner.

• I can take a 40% course load and still be considered a full-time student: this means I won’t have trouble with OSAP and have more time to concentrate on my classes.
• I’m eligible for more bursaries, which is great because I’m paying everything through student loans.
• I have easy access to people who can help me with my career choice as well as with getting better mentally.
• I have a great counselor who is willing to answer any question I have, or point me to someone who can answer it if he can’t.
• They will pay for therapy (something that is extremely expensive) AND my medication if I need it.

I can’t tell you how free I felt after that. I wish I could express it better. If you struggle from such things, I’m sure you can understand.

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So, to those who go to York and have social anxiety and/or other forms of mental health issues, you need to apply. The website is MHDS. If you want to ensure you receive the same experience I did, ask for Sean. It will really help you.

And this is where I insert a big WINK FACE because I clearly have someone in mind. Do it. I’m not recommending it to you, I’m telling you. Unless you’ve already done it. In which case, good on you!

PS: That smile I gave you was a friendly one. If it seemed odd, it was only because I was zoned out and had just experienced all of the above, so when I realized it was you I was staring it, it was sort of shocking.

GOODNIGHT GUYS, I apologize for this post’s length. Honestly though:

Do something out of your comfort zone.

I assure you, it will be worth it. Don’t give up. Please!

[5/30] Days of Truth

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Sorry for the delay, I meant to do this two days ago. Unfortunately cleaning, stats homework, philosophy homework, and psychology readings take priority… most of the time. I should be doing work right now, but here I am.

Anyway! This one is hard, simply because there’s a whole lot I wish to do in my life. I’m just not sure which one is most worth writing an entire blog post about.

Traveling, raising good kids, own a house, get married in Scotland, live in the UK for a while, form a healthy routine, be loved by many, inspire, create…

Hello Miss Doctor

One day I wish to earn my PhD. Not just because I’d be given the fancy “Dr.” title before my last name, but because it would mean facing my fears, working hard, and being able to do something I’m always trying to do in the first place. Except professionally and I’d be able to raise my family off of it.

It’s all win-win.

I’ve thought about the dire task of answering questions given to me by a panel of experienced psychologists. It makes me freeze up, feel nauseated, swallow nervously, and lose faith in myself completely. It’s one of the scariest things I can imagine going through, honestly.

So if I can do that, at any point in my life, I would be so ridiculously proud of myself.

I want to be able to help anyone, which means earning a degree so I can be trusted with their problems and so they can allow themselves to open up to me. I’m not magical, I can’t end everyone’s suffering. I know I’ll fail sometimes, because that’s just the way the world works.

But if I can help even 1 out of every 10 people I see, I would be happy. I always think about how hopeless I feel sometimes and how nice it would be to speak to an unbiased person. I never have, either because I can’t work up the courage or I force myself to get better.

I just think I could be different.I want to be given the chance to be different. But in order to do that I have to conquer many of my fears and work harder than I’ve ever worked before. At this point in time, I don’t feel ready to accept the challenge. However, I hope sometime in the future I’ll gain enough strength to go through with it.

Not just for me, but for my future family as well.

I want the people I care about to be proud. I want to show them I what I am capable of accomplishing. I want to inspire others to do the same and REACH FOR THE SKY. Cliche, but true. I want my life to be useful and I want to have an important impact. I want my future grandchildren and their children to be proud.

I want to be someone worth mentioning.

[4/30] Days of Truth

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To be completely honest, I’ve forgiven the majority of people who have hurt me in my life. There is only one person who I will never forgive, and that is because he forgave himself way too quickly. Not to mention he blames me for everything and made me out to be a horrible person.

He did unspeakable things and blamed it on fake illnesses. He is a sad excuse for a human being.

I want to make something clear though. Just because someone has been forgiven, does not mean that they are welcome back into your life. It simply means that the injustices they have done unto you are no longer seen as influential or important. Any ill feelings set in motion by that person’s actions are no longer present and you can move on.

Forgiveness isn’t a magical entity that wipes away all the bad. That’s the way I perceive it, anyway.

A Changed Man

I have to forgive a good friend of mine for changing. I can’t expect people to stay the exact same, but this change in particular is something I can’t accept. Not only because I feel it has affected him in a negative way, but because he is now in a relationship with my sister and therefore a significant part of her life.

She needs someone who is going to push her to do right by herself. She needs a good, stable influence. I can’t expect him to take on all of her troubles, but he’s willing to be in her life and therefore taking on the responsibility regardless. If you love someone, you help them.

I don’t want to see them fall down into a pit they can’t climb out of.

He used to have so much confidence and not give a shiiiit if someone didn’t like him. But now I feel he drowns himself in substances and doesn’t have enough confidence to realize he could be so much more.

He speaks to people I dislike, even though he knows I hate it. I used to be able to talk to him for hours on end, about the most useless shit. But now it’s hard to find common ground, because he only seems to be interested in two things.

I have to forgive him for taking his own path, but I just can’t seem to let it go. Every once in a while, my anger about it flares up and it bothers me so much.

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Oh, something I forgot to mention. I joined Model Mayhem as a way to hopefully seek out some photographers who are willing to photograph me. I would like to do something that is out of my comfort zone and this definitely fits the bill.

Hopefully by making myself more comfortable in front of a stranger with a camera I’ll be more comfortable with myself in general. Basically, I’m looking for a confidence boost.

I asked my friend Vanessa to come and do some shoots with me for various reasons, including:

1. I know she has trouble with low confidence as well, so I thought we could try and gain some with each other.
2. She is someone I’m very comfortable around.
3. I don’t want to travel to random places in Toronto alone.
4. It’s always awesome having a friend come along with you.
5. We’ll get some boss photos together, which is something we seem to fail at doing.
6. She’s done a bit of modelling before.
7. I know she’s always willing to help me with things like this.
8. She’s has the same sort of social awkwardness and is very shy like I am.

She and I are quite excited to pursue this. I hope to acquire some pretty photos, confidence, and a new perspective on certain things.

[3/30] Days of Truth

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I guess it would be cheap if I said I need to forgive myself for the thing I hate about myself most. I can’t help how I am, so I shouldn’t be so hard on myself because of it. It would also be a lie, because if I’m not hard on myself then I won’t ever be motivated to change it.

So I’m left sitting here, wondering what the hell my answer to this question will be. I suppose it’s dangerous territory. If I choose something that relates to something I’ve done to someone else, then I’m assuming they have already forgiven me for it. Or I seem to be stating that it was okay for me to do it in the first place, whether they forgive me or not.

Even though sometimes, you have to forgive yourself, even if the person you hurt refuses to forgive you. That is, as long as you have learned from it and have tried to make amends. Eventually it becomes the other person’s responsibility to grow from it.

Anyway, I’ve decided to stay away from that sort of response, for those exact reasons. I hope that doesn’t disappoint anyone somehow.

Warped Self-Image

I know I said it’s probably obvious that I worry about how I look, considering I’m a young woman. However, given how I’ve limited myself with this question, I’m going to say that I need to forgive myself for being imperfect.

Which doesn’t mean only with how I look on the inside, but how I am as a human being. My personality. I suppose I’m saying I need to forgive myself for being human.

Having to deal with social anxiety and depression can be very frustrating and self-defeating. Not to mention my bouts of insomnia and attention deficit disorder. Having so many issues related to my mental state starts to wear me down and make me believe I’m a lesser being than most.

However I do appreciate having them because it makes life more of a challenge and I have many opportunities to learn things I wouldn’t have otherwise (or until much later in my life). I have gained perspectives that others do not have and have become a very empathetic and understanding person through them.

I tend to forget the good things they have brought me because I am in constant battle with them. Sometimes it feels hopeless and I just want to give up. But seeing as I don’t, I should be proud of myself. I may not to the best in my classes or be the most optimistic person at times, but at least I know I’m trying despite all that is against me.

I need to stop blaming myself for everything and realize that sometimes, shit happens.

That being said, I also need to realize that I am beautiful in my own way. I need to stop criticizing myself and comparing myself to all the pretty girls out there. I am one of those pretty girls. There are people out there who like, or even love the small things I hate about my physical appearance.

Just because big boobs are glamorized by the media, doesn’t mean my smaller tits aren’t nice! They’re perky and my little nipples are fucking fantastic.

I have a unique sense of style and I can suit many different looks. I should embrace my quirks and be happy that I don’t blend into the crowd.

But it is also okay to feel vulnerable and self-conscious sometimes, because that’s just part of being human. Part of being imperfect. You have to experience both ends of the spectrum to be able to appreciate the good things.

I am also good at a bunch of different things! I can paint, draw, and write pretty poetry. I can deal with children extremely well. I know a lot about piercings and the human mind.

I am a unique concoction of many wonderful, exciting, scary, unhappy, amazing things. Why am I so ashamed? I will forgive myself for my downfalls eventually; once I have experienced and learned every lesson that my life has in store for me.

 

[2/30] Days of Truth

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This 30 days of truth thing is good, simply because I don’t feel the need to come up with a clever title for my posts. ha! But ayway, foolin’ aside, this one is a little difficult.

I’m not saying there isn’t anything I love about myself, but usually the things I do love about the mind that is Rayven, come with a sort of love/hate relationship attached to it.

For example, I could talk about my ability to understand others’ actions, no matter how terrible they may seem. On the other hand, I hate this because it really shows how there isn’t a simple right or wrong answer to anything. This can be ridiculously frustrating. I becomes especially angering when you want to hate someone, but can’t seem to forget they had their reasons too.

That’s not to say there isn’t a wrong and a right in some situations. There definitely is. But, I am able to see the emotions and flow of thoughts/reasoning that lead up to the behaviours. Sometimes it’s very lame.

Anyway, I’m sort of going off topic. What do I love about myself?

Danger: Keep Away

I get into bad moods. Really? NOT YOU, Rayven! Never! Why yes, complete stranger, I do. I don’t believe it! Not even a little bit. Well I am a human, with fluctuating emotions and thoughts. But you seem so happy around your friends! And for that I am glad.

There are some people who take their anger (or bad moods of any kind) out on whoever happens to be near them. A lot of the time on the people they care about. This is a no-no.

What I love about myself is that I rarely transfer my bad moods onto my unsuspecting and innocent friends or family. On the rare chance that I do, Steven is the one taking it for the team! And that’s something I love about him; he can deal with my absurdities quite well.

Throughout my life my father, who suffers from a great deal of inner turmoil (and I suspect a personality disorder), has taken his anger out on his family. I, obviously being part of that family, had to deal with his frequent bad moods despite trying my hardest to be the perfect daughter. This is something I never wanted to put anyone else through.

It may seem easy to avoid adopting one of your parents’ bad habits if you’re aware of it, but this is not the case. Especially if the bad habit consists of releasing your anger on those who don’t deserve it, while putting up with undeserved anger. Yes, it’s a conundrum.

Fortunately I was able to keep away from such a habit. Either because I just didn’t have it in me to be such a person, or because I knew it was something you shouldn’t do through personal experience. In any case, I love my father dearly and look up to him for many things, but I am glad I was able to avoid this attribute.

I love being self-aware and knowing that if I really can’t control my mood, it’s best for me not to see anyone. Not because I don’t want to, or because they don’t make me happy. But sometimes I simply can’t be happy, no matter how hard I, or others try. I may lose control of my emotions, but at least I know I’ll always keep them in check when I’m around others.

I am capable of avoiding those terrible situations where people around me are whispering about how I’m being such a bitch that day and “what the fuck is HER problem?“

I am by no means perfect, so if I happen to let a snarky remark slip out, I am quick to apologize and let the person know it wasn’t their fault.

So there you have it. Self-awareness of my own moods and keeping the bad ones away from those who don’t deserve them. This is something I admire about myself, and it feels nice.

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I also wanted to share a photo of my Pink Freud poster came in the mail today. This excites me a great deal. I think it’s badass and I had been wanting it for quite a while.

So many people hate on Freud hardcore, but I think he’s great! I mean sure, he did cocaine and came to some very odd conclusions. Who are we to judge? Nobody got anywhere without exploring the many views that are capable of being produced from any given topic.

He provoked a whole lot of thought and discussion, which is of great importance to psychologists and others interested in the study of the human mind. Those who thought he was completely wrong decided to go out of their way and prove just that. He sparked many great minds, both through admiration of his intelligence and complete opposition to his views.

He also didn’t have nearly as much going for him as modern psychologist do. He basically started from nothing. I think that’s worth some sort of praise. No matter what;

Haters gonna hate, bro.

And Freud kept his stance, because he whole-heartedly believed in himself. But maybe that’s the penis envy talking.

[1/30] Days of Truth

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I’m not going to be a typical girl and say something I hate about my body. I think it’s already assumed that I worry about how I look, so there’s no need to pinpoint specific things.

Instead, I will talk about something that effects me every single day. Something I whole-heartedly hate about myself. I mean it. I absolutely, 100%, hate it with every fiber of my being.

Social Anxiety Disorder

Social anxiety disorder, otherwise known as social phobia, is characterized as (the following quote is from Wikipedia):

“…an intense fear of social situations that causes considerable distress and impaired ability to function in at least some parts of daily life.”

Basically, I constantly judge myself when faced with any sort of social situation. It is extremely hard for me to make friends on my own. When a stranger speaks to me I am very polite and friendly on the outside. However, on the inside I am extremely panicked, thinking I’m about to say something completely stupid and will forever be judged as incompetent by the person speaking to me. After the conversation, when the person is thinking of other things, I am going over the words we exchanged, picking apart every detail and thinking of how I could have done it differently. Done it better.

I am very afraid of people getting the wrong idea of who I am. I am so paralyzed by my fear, that I can’t ask for help when I need it. I hate picking up the phone when I don’t recognize the number, or calling someone new. In fact, I usually refuse to do these things.

I can’t bring myself to get a job, because the idea of interviews scares me so much I start to sweat and feel sick. When I worked in a bar for a short amount of time, my heart was beating fast and I was sick to my stomach the entire time. I always convince myself I won’t be able to do it. That I’ll look stupid and someone else would do a much better job.

But the reason I hate it as much as I do, is because it gets in the way of my future. In the field of psychology, networking is extremely important. This is something I am incapable of doing and so I lose many opportunities that I would otherwise love to take part in. I can’t bring myself to take advantage of the vast amount of knowledge people in my school hold.

Some comic relief for you, there. Anyway, it hurts so much, knowing that this is getting in the way of something I would love to do.

Being so overly self-conscious is such a hard thing to overcome, it pretty much feels impossible. It’s frustrating, knowing that even though I’m afraid of people getting the wrong idea of me, they may sometimes feel I’m being cold and aloof. When really, I want to converse freely so bad, but just can’t find the courage.

It is also frustrating, when people try to write it off as simple “shyness,” and don’t understand why I don’t just suck it up and speak up. Believe me, I would if I could.

I also really want to improve my french, but I know if I take a class I’ll have to do oral presentations. But today I have asked my friend Vanessa to take one with me. Hopefully I can bring myself to do it. Understanding french is nice, but it would be much nicer if I could speak it fluently.

I keep forgetting things I wanted to add, so this is the second time I’m editing this post! Bah! Another thing I dislike about social anxiety, is the fact that it sheds a more positive light on alcohol. When I drink, I am much more sociable because I can loosen up. I simply think, “well everyone here is intoxicated and they must know I am too so it’s okay to be silly.”

This is a dangerous frame of mind, because it can lead to substance dependence and abuse. I know I’m much too aware of such things to have it happen to me, but it’s still something I find off-putting about myself. Alcoholism runs in my family and I never want to have something control my life like that. The idea that alcohol gives me an extra edge, in a way, is a little discomforting.

So there you go. Day one, something I hate about myself. Hopefully once I gain more experience (with the help of friends – people I am comfortable around), I can start to break free of this disorder. I really hope so, because being a hermit doesn’t pay very well.

Before you diagnose yourself-

So for some reason I decided to get a new formspring account. So if you have something you want to ask or say, go and do it! I accept anonymous questions, so don’t be afraid.

Also, I keep forgetting to put up those friend pages. Since they’re going to be there for reference, I’ve decided to simplify them and only add the necessary. Not because I don’t want to put in the effort, but because I’d like to get them up so people know who the eff I’m talking about, if I talk about anyone.

I will be starting the 30 days of truth very soon! SOON. I meant to on Wednesday but got distracted and on Thursdays I’m at school from 10:00am until 10:00pm (brutal I know). Today I had family time and will be going out in a bit. Actually, I might even start today, since I’ll probably bring my laptop with me.

I just know that once I start, I have to do it every day. Which is stressful when you think about all the reading and work you’ll be doing in the future. haaa!

I finally ordered my Punk Freud poster and I can’t wait to get it. I also bought suspenders for $6 and a nice shoulder chain for about $25. Steven, on the other hand, can’t wait for his Ron Paul books to arrive.

Anyway, I must eat dinner! Have a good evening/day! <33

Mental State Musician

The worst thing about being strong is that you aren’t actually being strong. But I guess it only feels that way when you finally do break down and cry.

The strongest thing about me is being able to keep my negative moods away from my friends. Occasionally, Steven doesn’t recieve that luxury because he’s the one I’m the most comfortable with. I therefore treat him sourly every now and again, simply because it’s a relief to be able to act on the outside, as I feel on the inside, knowing he’ll always love and accept me.

Even if I’m a dick sometimes.

It’s never okay to take your frustrations out on those who don’t deserve it. But on the off chance that you do, recognize your mistake and be sure to make up for it.

In any case, I’m starting to cry (or feeling as though I’m going to) randomly again, which is horribly annoying. I was talking to someone yesterday, while at a bestfriend’s birthday party, about depression. She mentioned that it annoys her, because she has such a great life and there really is no reason for her to feel that way. Yet she does and she has to deal with it.

My response was that of course she felt that way. There’s a sense of guilt that goes along with feeling helpless and emotionally crushed for no reason. Guilt, I would say, is your soul’s way of letting you know someone is hurting. Whether it be undeserved or deserved guilt, a hurt being is involved. Lack of guilt, therefore, means lack of empathy.

She seemed like a very good person. I understood her guilt came from knowing how much everyone around her supports and cares for her, wanting desperately to make her happy, yet knowing deep down it’s not going to ward away the harsh feelings of her mental illness.

I understand that, because I too feel that way sometimes. I always try and think of all the good things in my life. I know there’s so many people who care whether or not I’m happy. I know I’m loved. I know I have people I can talk to. But sometimes thinking about all those things hurts a bit, because I still end up sad for no reason, treating the one I love sourly simply because it feels nice to act on the outside, as I feel on the inside.

Even if it means I’m weak sometimes.

She stared at the dashboard, freckles of rain drop shadows against a glowing orange background. The street lamp was letting off a horribly stereotypical light and she noticed.

Music was playing on the car stereo. Notes heard many times before, and no, they weren’t different this time. The music wasn’t what had changed. The mood hadn’t changed either.

I guess you could say the camera had simply shifted and the notion of a tilt was odd enough to notice but not enough to pinpoint.

It’s not a movie. The stereotypical lighting and angsty 21 year old doesn’t make it so.

She sighs, because that’s what angst’s cough sounds like. Would it be a cough or a sneeze? She ponders that a little while, keeping her focus on the rain shadows and trying not to wonder why the silence was ringing so loudly.

The tapping of his foot beside her was in sync with the bass drum, which was perfectly normal. He was always proud of his timing. her timing had always been a little off, so she was envious.

However, his timing always came in handy when his kisses were in sync with her negative thoughts. He probably had the best emotional timing, of which she wasn’t envious of in the least.

Only greatful.

So, as her mind finally did shift to the silence, his musical voice came right on cue, commenting on some political issue and squeezing her hand.

She applauded with the sound of her heartbeat, which slowly calmed itself and became content with the quiet night and repeated tapping to the bass drum.

Their friend finally got into the Suzuki, completely unaware of the masterpiece that had just played, and absentmindedly readjusted the camera.

She decided her sigh was most definitely a cough, because a sneeze would leave too much residue.

Which only made sense, because he defintiely wasn’t a master cleaner.

I’ll start the truth posts soon, I promise. Have a nice day/night!