Starting fresh; you can find me here: Moonstruck Microcosm
Over the past month or so I’ve been seriously contemplating going back on antidepressants. However, the side-effects are not something I look forward to at all. Besides, I don’t really want to take a pill every day for the rest of my life just so I can cope with being alive.
In no way am I saying antidepressants are bad or that you shouldn’t be on them. I take them when I really need to, but it is my preference to find alternative ways to cope.
I have been trying to eat healthier and more often, which has succeeded until recently. It only faltered because I haven’t had constant access to food. I’ve gained weight, which makes me very happy. I adore going to the gym, but haven’t gone in a while because of stress and school work. I regret not going today.
I’ve been thinking about writing a book. Well, I’ve thought about it for a long time but it’s been a more serious goal these days. I’m trying to find a volunteer position in the mental health department but it’s hard when I barely talk to people, since I need references.
I feel like such a child sometimes. Ugh, I feel so hopeless sometimes. But all I can do is keep trying, so… moving on.
I might delete this blog. Maybe. Just maybe.
I am so angry with the world. I would say it’s uncharacteristic of me, but as someone who suffers from clinical depression, it’s a symptom I’ve dealt with for up to 6 months at a time.
Even so, I’ve never felt so angry with life as I do now. The anger isn’t blinding, it has actually opened my eyes to my surroundings. It’s made me more accepting of certain things I had no chance of accepting before.
It’s not only because of my own experiences, although they’re a major contributing factor of course. I’ve been emotionally blunted just so I can function in every day life, thanks to the magic of brain chemicals. But also because of what I see others go through, which not only exemplifies the unjust motions of the universe, but also reminds me of my own inner turmoil. Vicious cycle, really.
These situations may even cause reactions that further demonstrate biases and the lack of empathy that has been bred into our generation. It frightens me to think that these terrible things will continue to be seen as acceptable. Victims will continue to be ridiculed, blamed, and told they are weak for even letting such things “get to” them.
Mental illness is still stigmatized and misunderstood, despite the vast amounts of research relating to the copious amounts of illness there are. Myths continue to circulate simply because people would rather remain ignorant and/or are afraid of things they do not understand.
Women (and men of course) are objectified and made to feel that they are worth nothing more than what they can offer to another person. We have become objects that can offer services rather than a species with complex feeling and thought.
The other day at a club, a guy started dancing with my friend. He was doing the whole grind thing, so I decided to dance with her too, relieving her of any awkward feelings she may have possessed. Another guy decides to dance up on me, which I went with for about 30 seconds and decided no thanks, I don’t want to do this. I like dancing with friends and do not enjoy being touched by random people.
I promptly tried to move away but rather than just letting me go like he should have, he locked arms with the other guy dancing with my friend so that I couldn’t move. He said, “come on just wait until the drop.” After struggling a bit I gave up and danced a little more, but after the drop he still wouldn’t let me go. I literally stood there trying to pry their arms apart and only got away when I swiftly lifted their arms and ducked under.
I was really fucking upset, to say the least.
How can he have thought that was acceptable? And if he didn’t think it was, then why the fuck would he do it in the first place? I’m tired of being objectified and made to feel nervous whenever I leave my house because I might be hassled. I don’t mind being complimented, but cat calls are degrading and make me so uncomfortable. I’ve had nice guys tell me they think I’m beautiful and it made my day. I’ve been asked out and they graciously left after I kindly said no, I’m not interested.
So why is it so damn hard for some people to show others respect?
I feel no recent shift towards a more positive mindset when it comes to relationships and I don’t think it’s going to happen for quite a while. I don’t even want to bother. I am perfectly content with just maintaining friendships.
I am very happy that things with my ex are really good. We’re very close and I’m glad he and I can remain that way despite deeper emotions still being present. It makes things a lot easier and I’m grateful. I’m happy with my friends and family but still need to work on motivation regarding my career/school path.
My mind feels very clear most of the time, yet I can’t help but wonder if something has just been walled off. Some sort of very important perspective or dire emotional content.
I guess we’ll see where this takes me.
Hey guys! It would be awesome if you could check out the above link. My friend Randy (check out his channel) and his friends made a rap video at Steven’s birthday party. The editing is pretty awesome and I really dig the beat. Also, I’m the sexy lady in the purple dress. ;)
I make an appearance quite often, haha! But yes, please take a look and I will love you forever. <3 Maybe I’ll even draw you something, WHO KNOWS. The possibilities are endless. That’s a lie, there’s definitely an end somewhere.
HERE’S ME AS A BEAR WITH MY FAVORITE CAT EVER.
I was on my way to meet a friend, Asher, for coffee by my house around 8:30pm or so. I had to walk through a small forest-y area and I couldn’t help but be a little wary. Then I thought, “wow that is really sad,” because there’s no bears or other scary woodland creatures about to fuck my shit up and I knew that perfectly well.
I was wary because I was afraid of my own kind. Humans. They were my perceived possible threat, which is pathetic because we’re fully conscious, intelligent beings. We’re high up on the food chain and capable of emotion and choice. We don’t need to harm one another for survival because we’re capable of working together.
Yet every day people are being raped, assaulted, murdered, and endless other cruel things. Not to mention manipulated in large quantities through Presidents and other organizations in order to benefit a smaller group of selfish assholes.
We are overrun by the negative qualities in people and it disgusts me. I read articles yesterday about a few ways the media is brutally sexist towards women. Ways that are affecting our youth; making them insecure and doubtful of their true worth. There are websites dedicated to raising awareness of such issues (such as everyday sexism), which is great, but the fact that we need to bring such OBVIOUSLY terrible and hurtful things to people’s attention is pathetic.
Even with such websites and other sources of awareness and help, there are people who insist these things really aren’t a problem. These people, clearly the ones who haven’t experienced any situation they’re talking about, keep this stupid chain of disrespect and lack of empathy going. They maintain the problem.
Anyway, here’s a photo of me with a flower. Also, wtf is up with these WordPress changes? Is everything trying to be like Windows 8 now? Fuckin’ relax, jeeze. First Youtube, now this shit. Apology flower courtesy of Asher, if you hadn’t guessed by me meeting up with him and the title and all that jazz. It’s pretty, ain’t it?
So I’ve actually been keeping a proper journal. It helps that I’ve personalized it and made it pretty, although I do that with EVERYTHING. Seems I have a dire need for everything I own – whether it’s material items, websites, or other such things – to reflect what I think is this whole “Rayven” being.
It’s so rad. RAD. I’ve written in it nearly every day… I think I’ve only missed one. It has random thoughts and feelings, plus shit I have to remind myself of and school things. Quotes sometimes. Writing it all out and having it in a “special” book is a good reminder of the content, because I’m like, “AW YEAH I’M A BOSS WHO’S GOT SECRETS” (but not really), and it makes me excited to write in it.
Basically, I really like writing things. It’s also good to practice my cursive and just hand writing in general, because you know… technology and all.
Eating the breakfast of motherfucking champs right now. Not sure why I didn’t chew and swallow the food in my mouth before taking the picture, but that’s what happened. So deal with it.
I think I’ve really captured the excitement and happiness I feel on my face here. I should probably be a model.
Clearly this post is just an update of the most useless parts of my life. Let me try and think of something profound to say. OH, I wrote this the other day:
It’s funny how people try to hide their negative emotions; avoid dealing with them. But in doing so, they create more negativity and prolong their suffering.
An observation I made when a friend and I were having a sort of disagreement. In other news, I devoured my late breakfast and must get ready for hangouts later. And study, obviously. Obviouslyyyy.
You should watch the Figure 8 video by Ellie Goulding! <33